So today I am going to try my best to "EAT CLEAN". Whatever the fuck that really means. I mean...I know what it means. But it sounds like something some skinny person made up to make fat people feel bad enough to try it. Anyway...I bought red peppers and pears at the store yesterday. I'll be munching on those all day long. Trying to get through a shift tonight should prove to be a challenge. I also need need NEED to make sure I go to the gym. I feel so fucking gross and I hate being fat. I'll be honest, I know I should care about my health and how being overweight can harm my heart, but I really want to lose weight so I can look hot. Completely superficial. And I don't care at this point. Im 35 and still single. Ive been single pretty much since the year 2000. For the most part Im actually ok being single. There are days that it really bothers me ...I don't understand why I am apparently completely undesirable to both sexes. And then I realize I can do whatever I want whenever I want and it makes me forget all that relationship bullshit. But then other times I feel like the things I do would be even more enjoyable if I had someone to do them with. I do more things alone than I actually do with other people. I went to the movies by myself yesterday. Then ate lunch alone. It actually is liberating to have the confidence to do things on your own. I don't even know why I'm going on about this crap. I think reading my journal entries from 13 years ago has my brain on overload. The shitstorm of events that have taken place between now and then and realizing that even though I am VERY different from who I was back then...I am completely the same. How is that possible? My dad is getting surgery today. He has to have a permanent dialysis port placed into his body. A year ago he was fighting for his life after a heart transplant. And now he needs a new kidney. Thats just one part of the shitstorm. On a brighter note...Allysha texted me today about going to look for a wedding dress at the local dress shop. Thats exciting. Its good to see her getting excited about getting married to my brother. I want to be jealous of their relationship, mainly because I want to find someone who compliments me the way they compliment each other, but I can't feel anything but happiness. Richie and Allysha have a deeper love than I see in most of my friends and their significant others. It truly is a rare thing to see. We discussed wedding details late into the night and got ourselves all excited. Its going to be amazing watching my brother and best friend get to marry the woman of his dreams. Im hoping that I will have found the proper way to pursue Jessi by then. I can't seem to figure her out. There definitely is chemistry between us (maybe all in my head...but chemistry nonetheless). I just want to start very slow and just get to know her. Sure my imagination runs wild with possibilities of a happy future together, but then I realize that Im actually a little terrified to get into anything serious...especially with a woman. Its been so long since I last felt this way for a girl. But to me, Jessi is like some mystical being whose radiance pierces right to the very core of you. She is the most beautiful woman inside and out...and I don't really know her all that well. But when you use art and music as forms of expression as Jessi does, you show everyone exactly what beauty lies within you. And she is beautiful. There are many things I need to do in order to be in a place where I would feel confidant enough to really pursue her. And its starts today with raw food and the gym. And the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars. Who the fuck is A?