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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mattie's LiveJournal:

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Friday, August 7th, 2015
12:40 pm
Yesterday was the day from hell. Rough night at work and a flooded basement. The only bright side was that I got to finish the flyer for an upcoming show that Of Light and Shadow is playing at the end of the month. I think it really turned out nice.

Im starting freak out a little about selling the house and moving. I have no direction in where I should wind up. No idea what I should be doing. I wish I could just have a do-over for the last 15 years.But theres no point in wasting time wishing away problems. I guess thats what wine is for?

So Im off to the mall to buy Jonathan his birthday present. I can't believe he's 8 already. I remember talking to him on the phone and wishing he was closer when they were all living in TX. And now I can't get him to shut up. He's such a good kid though and I love him tremendously. He's getting an official Avengers Hawkeye bow and arrow set. I know he's going to love it. And probably attack his brothers with it.

Current Mood: hopeful
Thursday, August 6th, 2015
2:21 am
Two faced.
I am over two faced people. In all seriousness, why at this age must I still deal with bitches who haven't matured since junior year of high school? Why are people still this petty, immature and two-faced? There's no need for me to waste time writing about some basic bitch with no life who has nothing better to do than talk shit about other people behind their back yet smile to their faces. I have BEEN DONE with that shit for a long long time.

In other news I made it a whole day eating raw. No cooked food at all. A couple of pears, a couple of red peppers, a salad and some almonds. I don't get how people actually do this all the time. I'm proud I didn't cave and eat some damn chicken or anything else I could have gotten my hands on. The down side is that I did not get to the gym. Well I got to it...but I never went inside. I was on the phone with Danielle for over 2 hours and I just didn't feel like ending a perfectly good conversation. So I will definitely be going tomorrow. This is far too long of a break. But I feel like I needed it. Ive been obsessing over losing weight and working out and I haven't had much results in the past month. I think I just need to move at my own pace and eat responsibly and not freak the hell out and I won't go on such ridiculous rampages. Thank God I haven't attacked a bag of McDonalds yet...so at least Im not at Code Red.

I feel like I have so much on my mind and no good way to write it out without sounding like a basket case. I just want happiness...thats all anyone ever wants right? I know Im not happy and haven't the foggiest idea of how to change that. Besides quitting my job and finding something else...preferably without the inclusion of sad little two faces to make me irate. Can that please be the last time she gets mentioned tonight? Anyway...Im hoping I can maybe start illustrating kids books that my mom writes and they'll get published. That would be a nice way to use my artistic talents.

I did get to have a brief conversation with Tony tonight since his wedding almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't have the heart to tell him what a fucktard his other best friend was. I still cringe when I think of that greasy little bastard and his stupid face. Now who sounds like a catty high school bitch?

Current Mood: pissed off
Wednesday, August 5th, 2015
3:35 pm
Raw food part 2
Eating raw sucks. The end. (I'm not giving up...I just really hate it)

Current Mood: hungry
10:42 am
Raw food and other things.
So today I am going to try my best to "EAT CLEAN". Whatever the fuck that really means. I mean...I know what it means. But it sounds like something some skinny person made up to make fat people feel bad enough to try it. Anyway...I bought red peppers and pears at the store yesterday. I'll be munching on those all day long. Trying to get through a shift tonight should prove to be a challenge. I also need need NEED to make sure I go to the gym. I feel so fucking gross and I hate being fat. I'll be honest, I know I should care about my health and how being overweight can harm my heart, but I really want to lose weight so I can look hot. Completely superficial. And I don't care at this point. Im 35 and still single. Ive been single pretty much since the year 2000. For the most part Im actually ok being single. There are days that it really bothers me ...I don't understand why I am apparently completely undesirable to both sexes. And then I realize I can do whatever I want whenever I want and it makes me forget all that relationship bullshit. But then other times I feel like the things I do would be even more enjoyable if I had someone to do them with. I do more things alone than I actually do with other people. I went to the movies by myself yesterday. Then ate lunch alone. It actually is liberating to have the confidence to do things on your own. I don't even know why I'm going on about this crap. I think reading my journal entries from 13 years ago has my brain on overload. The shitstorm of events that have taken place between now and then and realizing that even though I am VERY different from who I was back then...I am completely the same. How is that possible? My dad is getting surgery today. He has to have a permanent dialysis port placed into his body. A year ago he was fighting for his life after a heart transplant. And now he needs a new kidney. Thats just one part of the shitstorm. On a brighter note...Allysha texted me today about going to look for a wedding dress at the local dress shop. Thats exciting. Its good to see her getting excited about getting married to my brother. I want to be jealous of their relationship, mainly because I want to find someone who compliments me the way they compliment each other, but I can't feel anything but happiness. Richie and Allysha have a deeper love than I see in most of my friends and their significant others. It truly is a rare thing to see. We discussed wedding details late into the night and got ourselves all excited. Its going to be amazing watching my brother and best friend get to marry the woman of his dreams. Im hoping that I will have found the proper way to pursue Jessi by then. I can't seem to figure her out. There definitely is chemistry between us (maybe all in my head...but chemistry nonetheless). I just want to start very slow and just get to know her. Sure my imagination runs wild with possibilities of a happy future together, but then I realize that Im actually a little terrified to get into anything serious...especially with a woman. Its been so long since I last felt this way for a girl. But to me, Jessi is like some mystical being whose radiance pierces right to the very core of you. She is the most beautiful woman inside and out...and I don't really know her all that well. But when you use art and music as forms of expression as Jessi does, you show everyone exactly what beauty lies within you. And she is beautiful. There are many things I need to do in order to be in a place where I would feel confidant enough to really pursue her. And its starts today with raw food and the gym. And the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars. Who the fuck is A?

Current Mood: contemplative
3:09 am
13 Years.
All you need to know about the past 13 years is that everything is different, yet strangely the same. I just re-read all my old journal entries and I was like "Yup...still me." Some of the characters and locations may be different, but it feels like the same damn story. Hell, we're in a new decade. I don't even know if people still read other peoples shit on here anymore. I just felt the need to have an outlet that no one knows me on. Facebook is so overpopulated with people I don't care about and don't want knowing my business. This will do for now I guess. So what can I say about myself? Ive grown into a cranky overweight underachieving pseudo musician/artist with absolutely no drive and a fiery hatred for his job and sometimes most people. My family life improves and then implodes. Im still single and my sexuality has switched sides more times than a tennis ball at Wimbledon. Sometimes my mind feels so overloaded with shit and massive amounts of trash, I think it will be good to write randomly on live journal again. Do people hashtag on here? Ooh, I see you can add a mood and music still. How 2002. Ok so points that I might touch on in the future. I like a girl named jessi but have no clue where she stands, my job blows, Im helping my brother and his fiancee plan a wedding, we are selling our home of 5 years and I have to go back to live with my parents. Thats about it for now. Im going to really try to keep up with this. Until nest time...

Current Mood: blah
Monday, June 17th, 2002
11:31 pm
2 months later.
OK. WOW. I haven't written in this thing since April 13th. That's pretty sad. We have SOOO much to catch up on. For starters...John and I only lasted about a month. He wanted , I wasn't ready. I started hanging out with this Jen, who wound up becoming a wonderful friend. One day, we wound up going to this coffee house called The Grind. It was there that I met Danielle, another very good friend of mine. I also wound up running into a few people I met in March, Lisa and Anna. We became sisters. So they introduced me to Desiree and Toniann and a bunch of other people who are now my friends. So...yeah. Life has changed. In the past month, Jen started Orin...which, by the way, they are so filthy. Oh! That brings me to Filthstock 2002. We decided to dub this summer Filthstock 2002: The Summer of Experimentation. The Summer of Filth. So far...we've all been pretty dirty. There have been alot of parties and all night galavants, plenty of idiot road trips and, even though I'm ..I've touched plenty-o-boobies. So as you can see I've been pretty busy. I still don't have a boyfriend. My family still doesnt know that I am . But, all in all, I'm happy. My parents are leaving for the summer in less than a week (YES!!!). I still work for Blockbuster. I need to get out of there though. I am only working 10 hours this week. Hopefully I'll find another job soon. Well..I'm glad that I started writing in this journal again. I missed it. There is so much more that has happened in the past 2 months that I wish I could share, but it would take me all night. You basically got the important stuff. So, I'm out for now. I'll write again VERY soon though. Later.

-Matt

Current Mood: dirty
11:12 pm
2 months later.
OK. WOW. I haven't written in this thing since April 13th. That's pretty sad. We have SOOO much to catch up on. For starters...John and I only lasted about a month. He wanted , I wasn't ready. I started hanging out with this Jen, who wound up becoming a wonderful friend. One day, we wound up going to this coffee house called The Grind. It was there that I met Danielle, another very good friend of mine. I also wound up running into a few people I met in March, Lisa and Anna. We became sisters. So they introduced me to Desiree and Toniann and a bunch of other people who are now my friends. So...yeah. Life has changed. In the past month, Jen started Orin...which, by the way, they are so filthy. Oh! That brings me to Filthstock 2002. We decided to dub this summer Filthstock 2002: The Summer of Experimentation. The Summer of Filth. So far...we've all been pretty dirty. There have been alot of parties and all night galavants, plenty of idiot road trips and, even though I'm ..I've touched plenty-o-boobies. So as you can see I've been pretty busy. I still don't have a boyfriend. My family still doesnt know that I am . But, all in all, I'm happy. My parents are leaving for the summer in less than a week (YES!!!). I still work for Blockbuster. I need to get out of there though. I am only working 10 hours this week. Hopefully I'll find another job soon. Well..I'm glad that I started writing in this journal again. I missed it. There is so much more that has happened in the past 2 months that I wish I could share, but it would take me all night. You basically got the important stuff. So, I'm out for now. I'll write again VERY soon though. Later.

-Matt

Current Mood: dirty
Saturday, April 13th, 2002
2:13 pm
Hellooo!!!
Ok, ok. I know. It has been WAY TOO LONG since i've written in my journal. I have been a little preoccupied. I know I never officially said it on my journal, but for those of you who don't know..I'm gay. Yup. Plus I started seeing this guy John recently. It's been great. I have always had trouble finding a guy who wasn't just about the sex but also about me. We actually have meaningful converstaion. I am very much in like with him. The things he says, the way he looks at me...I don't know..they get to me. LOL. Plus he's a great kisser. We haven't made it past kissing yet. Thank God. I'm not ready for sex yet. I want it to be real. Something special. I can't say I've had that too often. Plus...he's special...so I don't want to fuck that up by doing something too soon. Or too late for that matter. I'm not going to worry about it now. I'm just happy to be taking it slow. I'm happy in general. I think I found a keeper.

Current Mood: happy
Monday, April 1st, 2002
12:25 am
Disregard birthday entry
Ok...so I feel stupid. I thought my parents either forgot my birthday or were really mad at me. I was wrong. About 10 minutes after I wrote my last entry..they called me downstairs and had a card and a brand new stereo system waiting for me. I felt so bad for doubting them. We haven't been getting along lately, so I guess my thoughts were justifiable in a way...but I realized how selfish I could be. After I got over feeling stupid and guilty and I finished apologizing to my parents 1,000 times...we ate dinner at Grandpa's and I actually had a good time. SO...I'm sorry for bitching before. Don't hold it against me. Thank you to all of you who called or e-mailed and wished me a happy birthday. You guys rock! Later.

-Matt

Current Mood: grateful
Sunday, March 31st, 2002
9:53 am
My Birthday
I've been up for over an hour already. Not one member of my family has said happy birthday to me yet. They yelled at me and made me feel like shit though. So, yet again...another fantastic birthday. Now I know why I made sure I wasn't home for the past four birthdays. I have to go to my grandfather's house in PA soon. We're having Easter dinner. I don't want to go. I don't want to be around anyone right now. This sucks. I have to go

Current Mood: disappointed
Saturday, March 30th, 2002
4:23 pm
1 more day until my BIRTHDAY!!!
Hello journal. Last night I hung out with Molly and Jessica at the Unicorn. I dipped my cigarette in sugar. Tasted pretty good. It's so funny that I ran into Molly the other day. We went to junior high together and I haven't seen her since. That's been happening to me all over the place. I come home for a year and am living incognito...and all of a sudden 100 people I know just start showing up. It's been really cool though. I'm going clubbing again after work tonight. I'm supposed to meet this guy and his friends there. He sold me my cell phone. = ) Too weird. I'm pretty nervous that tonight is going to be like every other night and turn out shitty. Well, Thursday wasn't bad at all. However, all the times before that were shitty. So...wish me luck. Next time we talk...I'll be a whole year older!!! Love ya!

-Matt

Current Mood: nervous
Friday, March 29th, 2002
2:00 pm
2 days until my BIRTHDAY!!!
Hello today!!! I just woke up. I partied my ass off last night. I got drunk and danced forever. I haven't had that much fun since I went to Ohio. I'm making new friends and running into old ones. Life actually seems right. Well...some of it does anyway. I'm off from work today and it's beautiful. I was going to hang out with Lisa, but her mom just hung up on me. Dammit. My parents are like that too. I cannot wait for my parents to go away. Nothing but peace. And fun. I need fun. Real fun. I'll have fun for a little bit, and then depression comes. I need this to last. At least through the summer. Sorry my journal is so boring. It's not that I don't have anything to write about...it's just that what is going on with me is all happening really fast and I love it, but I'm like "Whoa!". One day I'll express my feelings more clearly. Until then. Bye.

-Hip Kid

Current Mood: hungry
Thursday, March 28th, 2002
8:36 am
3 days until my BIRTHDAY!
It is SO early. Well, early for someone who usually wakes up around 2. But I have to open the store again today. I'm excited. Only 3 days left until my birthday!!! The big 22. I decided I don't like this getting older thing. I liked 21 just fine. Old enough to drink, yet young enough to still act stupid and have an excuse. I guess the only sucky thing is that I can't rent a car yet. That might be something to look forward to. Speaking of things to look forward to, I am going out and getting drunk tonight. There's this club in Jersey that has drinks for $1 from 8-12. I'm going prepared with $40...lol. I doubt I will drink that much, since it really doesn't take that much to get me drunk. But I am happy I will be getting to spend time with friends and all that cool stuff. Well. I have videos and dvd's to do stuff to, so I'll be going now. Later.

-Matt

Current Mood: mellow
Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
3:03 pm
Hello, hello!
Mighty long time since Ive written in this thing. I've been kinda busy. I finally joined the rest of the earth's population and bought me a cell phone ::clap,clap,clap:: So everything is great. Lisa and I made up...(just friends)...and I decided to live my life. How I'm going to do that...I have no clue. But I'm definitely going to have fun doing it. I will write some more later. I have to go get ready for work. Love you!

-Matt

Current Mood: happy
Friday, March 22nd, 2002
8:42 pm
Mechanical Artificial Technician Trained for Hazardous Exploration and Warfare
Thursday, March 21st, 2002
7:41 pm
P. S. 4 is number 1!!!
FUN DAY! I went to work and actually had a good time. It was way too nice out to be inside Blockbuster though. It didn't really matter though. I felt good. I still feel good. I don't really know why. Part of me feels awful...but I just feel like I keep finding parts of me over and over. So I guess that would negate the total shitiness I feel and should be paying more attention to. Something odd to talk about. Last night, my good friend Danielle and her mom had me over. Turns out that her mom is friends with this guy John that I knew in 4th grade. It was so funny to see him because it turns out that we know a bunch of the same people, but we haven't seen each other since our time at P.S. 4 (4 is 1!!!). So yeah. Small world. I had a good time last night too. Anyways. I'm off to figure out something to do with myself right now. I got a haircut before. Looks great. (Love you Ann!!) So. I'm out. Later.

-the Hipster

Current Mood: hyper
Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
3:12 pm
Is my brain expanding?
I had a fight with my parents last night. I was in a mood where I just wanted to be alone and blast some music and smoke a pack of cigarettes. So I left my house for like an hour around 11:30. I come home and my mom freaks at me and tells me I'm a user and a leech. For the first time..instead of being hurt by her words..and listening to her constantly put me down...I took her words and said "Fuck that...I am not a bad person." It's raining again. It always rains on my days off. I have to open tomorrow. It's supposed to be sunny all day. I guess it's sort of poetic because I have been going through a time of loss for the past few years, but I finally feel like this darkness is going to lift any day now. I am finally accepting the person I am. If that person isn't good enough for some people..then fuck them. I'll find other people...or I'll be alone. My life can no longer be revolved around everyone else and not me. It will revolve around me AND everyone else. I do not want to be selfish. I won't be. But I can't keep forgetting myself and keep expecting other people to remember me. That's how I get hurt. I feel like I have grown a bit smarter in the past few days. Kudos to me!

-M

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, March 18th, 2002
9:09 pm
Moving on in life.
I went shopping today with Kim and Kitty. I got a new jacket and a pair of jeans. I actually had a very good time in spite of how shitty I have been feeling recently. Today I made a decision that my life will go nowhere but farward. I'm getting out of this dump and moving on. I really want to. I really need to. I feel good today. Things might start to look up (I hope). Later.

-Matt

Current Mood: optimistic
Sunday, March 17th, 2002
7:55 pm
An unfortunate day.
Today..I am pretty sure I have lost one of my best friends. I thought that she would be in my life forever. I was wrong. I thought good things were meant to last. Wrong again. Always wrong. I feel like I now have nothing left to truly believe in. Today. A most unfortunate day.

Current Mood: gloomy
1:04 pm
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